A child’s curiosity and ardent learning are sweet moments. Kids are delightfully open to understanding and mastering their brand new world world. Sometimes patient and receptive, but a moment later they melt down. What happened?
Their rigid, developing model of reality has been threatened. “What’s wrong?”, we ask. “That chair goes HERE!” “Honey, it can go anywhere.” “NO! IT GOES HERE”. Insecure about reality, any deviation from their model confuses and threatens control. Their anger “saying”: “You’re confusing me. Don’t do that.”
So for all their openness, they can also be rigid, stubborn. Not much of a problem with chairs, but a huge problem when it involves other kids.
Life’s NOT fair. Some kids are blessed: attractive, smart, liked, life’s easy. Then there are children who always struggle: different, perplexed, painfully shunned.
Why be drawn to the first kid and avoid the slow developer? Because the first is easier to understand, relate to and they embody our ideal. The second child is inadvertently difficult to understand and to predict. They take extra work. And we don’t want anyone to think we’re like them. So we stay away. “He’s weird. Nobody likes him.” People, big and small, have “in” and “out” groups.
Adults, after struggles, develop empathy for the outsider. We’ve learned not to judge. Experience reveals angelic looking may be a hellion” While the odd may have a profound soul and wonderful personality. But how to convey that to children who have difficulty with difference? And who fear that any closeness to the different risks that difference rubbing off on them?
Carefully.
• Don’t criticize: It triggers defensiveness
• Accept the reality: “Yes, he’s different.”
• Challenge perceptions: “Has he hurt you?”
• Live your lesson: Monkey see, monkey do!
