Managing emotions is basic to a good life. We must maintain positive and cope with negative feelings. Emotions are innate, but their management is learned.
Ideally, parents help kids develop such skills. But how? By seeing that emotions “say” something about us to others and “tell” us something about ourselves. Emotions not only express how we FEEL about a situation, but also TELL us what we need. Greatly oversimplifying, consider the following:
• Fear: follows a sense of DANGER. Indicating we need SAFETY.
• Anger: happens when we feel HURT, treated UNFAIRLY. Requiring CARE, HEALING.
• Sadness: occurs with LOSS of someone or something important. The need? To see life as GOOD AGAIN.
• Surprise: when conditions are outside expectations. In a good or bad way. When bad, we need SAFETY. When good, we need to SUSTAIN that feeling.
• Happiness: enjoyed when life is GOING WELL. We need to CONTINUE the actions that produced happiness.
How are these principles used with an enraged child? DON’T ignore, deny, ridicule the emotions or coerce change. DO empathize and address them at BOTH the feelings and needs levels.
“Our job is to teach children how to handle emotions. Not teach them to not have emotions.”
Linda Adams
For example, your child’s furious that they must shut off the TV and go to sleep. This reaction might anger us or make us impatient. See this as an opportunity for emotional management training. Not a lecture but a demonstration. Their anger is disrespectful, deserving pushback. But what would that “tell” them? Try SHOWING your child calm, by calming yourself, you also calm them. Empathize at the emotional level: “Feels unfair to sleep now. You’re wide awake, unable to sleep. Please remember we agreed you’d sleep after the show. If you cooperate and sleep without fighting, you can watch more TV tomorrow. How does that feel? Is that fair?”
May seem like a bribe, but it’s actually a reward. Actions rewarded are repeated.
So model calm, reflect their feelings, and meet their need to feel their hurt was cared for. Self-control is hard when emotions are strong but through repetition it CAN be mastered.
