No one likes to make mistakes. At least, they mean more work is needed to learn. At worst, we mistake them as signs of being “dumb”which doesn’t help our learning or our wellbeing. But everyone makes mistakes, probably everyday-whether learning new ideas or making decisions. Even geniuses. So managing the practical and emotional consequences of mistakes is an essential life skill-especially for kids.
But what’s a mistake? Literally, it’s an error in our “take”, our understanding of some idea. And why do we make such errors? In learning, maybe we weren’t listening carefully. In terms of comprehension, we may lack the background ideas to “STAND the new ideas UNDER some old information” -which helps the new make sense.
Bottom line, life is complex and often difficult to understand. Hence, mistakes. Depending on how we see mistakes, they benefit or belittle us. Effective learners realize that mistakes give feedback about the accuracy of our understanding. It’s far better to discover an error during learning than later when we need the information. Frustrated and struggling learners instead believe mistakes mean “I can’t do this”. Kids are likely to believe that the wrong answer means there’s something “wrong” with them and their intellect, particularly when their mistakes are laughed at and ridiculed. Such painful reactions can lead to “playing it safe”, avoiding the risks of errors that come with all learning.
How, then, do we help children not take mistakes personally, painfully? Consider your basic view of learning success. Is it the result of innate ability? IQ? Or effort and persistence?
If you teach your kids that learning is basically a matter of “smarts”, then mistakes put their intelligence in jeopardy. Most kids believe that “smart” means, “knows everything”,“never makes mistakes”. And when they fall short in those areas, they painfully conclude “I’m dumb”. So they may give up and stop doing what all learning requires: persistent trying.
But if you teach them that learning depends on effort, then mistakes do not mean “I’m dumb”, but rather “I must work harder”. And “harder”, unlike intelligence, is something we have direct control over. When we teach our kids that “Everybody makes mistakes. I make them. The smartest people make them”, our kids learn not to become discouraged and defeated by their learning setbacks. Rather than “you can do this because you’re smart”, tell them “you can do this because you work hard and don’t give up. Remember when you kept falling off your bike? But now you’re a great rider. Why? Because you kept trying. Don’t give up here, and like your bike, you’ll ‘get it’.”
In short, focus on effort and encourage more of it.
Helping With the EMOTIONS of Mistakes
Frustrated Child: “I always make mistakes. I’ll never get it. I’m just dumb.”
Supportive Adult: “Yeah, it’s really hard, really frustrating. Sounds
like you want to give up?”
Frustrated Child: “Yeah! I can’t do this. Why bother?”
Supportive Adult: “I get that you want to end this frustration. I’ve felt the same.”
“Can we take another look at this?”
“Is it really true that you ‘always make mistakes’?”
“Does this really show you’re ‘dumb’?”
Relaxing Child: “It FEELS like it.”
Challenging Adult: “Yes! It FEELS like that. But I see many things you did correctly here.
“Look at this, and this….
“They show you CAN do this.”
Relaxing Child: “OK. I did do something right. But I can’t get the whole thing.”
Challenging Adult: “‘CAN’T’? Or haven’t figured out how YET?
“I remember when you had a hard time with … but you kept trying.
“Remember how great it felt when you finally learned how to do it?
“And now it’s easy for you.”
Renewed Child: “OK, I’ll try again”
