Theft recently struck while my relatives were away. The fallout necessitated some hard decisions and difficult conversations to explain the obvious disarray that had happened and to calm 2 little girls, ages 6 and 3. It was these girls first experience with the danger. Just the idea of telling these kids the truth made their parents ill.
The parents considered a few options. Deny what the girls saw? “Boy! We left a mess. We’ve gotta clean up.” Protecting them a little longer perhaps, all the while distorting their sense of reality and trust in their parents. “But Daddy, your desk is always clean. Why is everything out now?” Soften the blow? Make it seem less bad than it looked? “They didn’t take much. It’s OK.”
And fail to address effectively their deep concerns. “But Daddy, will it happen again?” Try to explain in adult terms? “Bad things happen. But they won’t come back. They’ll be afraid of the police and we’ll get an alarm. We can buy more stuff and we’ll be OK ”. “But Daddy, why did they make a mess? Were they mad at us?”
The best way would be to address their primary concern: their feelings. Yes, they wonder how this happened and why. They’re probably less concerned about replacing lost items and upgrading alarms, and most concerned about feeling afraid, confused, and angry. Each of the parental responses above show an understanding that the kids needed reassurance. Such reassurance is most effective, however, when it includes empathy for feelings.
“Mommy and I are angry that someone would do this to our family, make a mess and take things. How do you feel?.” Showing concern, acceptance, and empathy for their feelings TEACHES them how to recognize, accept, and manage their own feelings. How YOU RELATE to their feelings shows them how to relate to their own emotions. “Don’t cry. We’ll be OK” teaches them to deny and suppress their feelings. “You seem scared. You don’t feel safe, do you?’ shows respect. NOW we’ve gotten to the heart of what needs to be addressed in difficult conversations: feelings. Our guides to what’s needed to feel better.
